I wrestled with how to write this post. How much do I share? What do I title it? Will it be too corny? Will it relate the “awakening” that’s happened inside me? I knew that it was important to share, for myself… it’s a way of being tangibly grateful. More than that though, it was a change to be humble. Openly. My happiness has been shaping over 2016, and with the close of that TRANSITION YEAR, I find myself – eyes wide open – truly happy in this LIBERATION YEAR.
There are all kinds of motivational, shareable pictures that circulate. They reduce down a truth to a one-liner. I don’t have a problem with that, in fact, it has it’s own charm but – in true Johnna fashion – I feel the need to reflect in too many words.
Transitions are important. 2015 were the DARK DAYS and 2016 was influential in taking me to a new and better place. 2015 was my fault. While my hopes for the future were real and noble, my insecurity and need to not see the truth brought on so much heartache and trouble. I grew up a lot, and struggled to like myself and pick myself up, again. Things have to change. That’s the hard work. The important work. So you either wallow, or you change. I decided to change. I can’t undo anything from my past – no one can – but I can be the person I TRULY am in the present and become even better in the future.
It took a while. I saw things change slowly. I cried a lot and put my head down. I laid low and tried to respect the fragility of the world around me, and my own – very breakable – self. As the year began to close, and we entered October, I started to feel… better. There really is no other word for it. It was like being very ill for a long time, not being able to find a remedy, but your body fighting it off anyway. Unfortunately, the transitioning was heavy. I had no choice but to shoulder the changes with my children and the consequences of 2015. I had to push through school and strive for better grades. I had to be a good person. What I didn’t have to do was be healthy.
At the beginning of 2015 I lost 30 pounds. I kept it off all year. I even kept it off most of 2016, but towards the middle I gained about 10… 15 back. I just didn’t care. I didn’t want one. more. thing. to do or be. I wanted to eat candy, binge on TV and water? never heard of it. I knew it was reckless, I did. I knew it would have consequences. But at the end of the day, I was willing to deal later to not deal now. It was weak and I’m truly ashamed, having put myself back so many steps. At the end of 2016, when it was nearly Christmas and I felt how different I had become and how I – we – had officially made it out of the dark, I knew it was time to step up.
So I did.
Already 10 pounds down, stronger, healthier, building muscle and shrinking my tummy… I’m happy. I’m not striving for “skinnier” the way I used to but I am skinnier. I am, more importantly, seeing the real change that happens with a high-protein existence. I’m Pescatarian, I’m hitting 20,000+ steps a day and the weight is falling off. Happiness isn’t a pant size, but being in control of your health is. Have I mentioned that 2017 is the LIBERATION YEAR! I can’t help but say it.
Between a perfect partner, in my Honey-Love, safe children, healthier body, clear conscience, being only a year from a degree I am the best ME I’ve ever been. I don’t care what the world thinks of me, or decides without knowing. I’m here, surviving and thriving and proud of where I am and where I’m going.
Happiness is undefinable. But it is also, all consuming. I think, maybe, for the first time in my life I’m actually happy. Everything feels so much more true, so much more wonderful. It’s enough to make me cry. And I probably will… but it’s good. And here. I . am.
(Featured image is NOT my own, it appears C/O Design Lovefest and was created by Jen Lashek)